All my life, I wanted to have a big family. I wanted at least 8 children. Actually, 8 daughters.

During Natalie’s first year however, things began to change. I think we were ok with one. It was the hardest and most emotional year of my life. There was a battle in my head. I don’t want her to miss out on the fun of having siblings. I know how fun that is because we are four and I wouldn’t have it any other way. It was so much fun having a brother and two sisters around. But I was also scared because having more children is beyond my (patience and) capacity. It’s just way way way way beyond me. Then after I surpassed the 1st year, my heart started to ache for another child. I felt selfish for not wanting another baby just because it will be hard on my part.

Then last year, I started wishfully thinking we could have another baby. It was October when I was delayed for 2 weeks. I bought some pregnancy tests and it turned out negative. Still, I went to check with my OB. Maybe there was a mistake. I took a blood test and unfortunately it was still negative. I had to hold my tears because I was with my mom. No second baby that time.

The following month though, I was delayed again. I didn’t want to expect anymore because I didn’t want to get hurt once more. But I was too anxious I couldn’t hold my curiosity. I bought some pregnancy tests and this time it turned out positive!!! I had to keep it a secret until I went to my OB. And indeed I was pregnant for with Baby # 2!

Fast forward to when the Little Boy arrived, it was via Emergency CS. I dreaded not giving birth vaginally but we were left with no choice. The recovery period was the hardest. Not being able to move freely, the pain, the breastfeeding hurdles. They were just too much to bear. I can never go thru this again! I swear! This will be the last time. I don’t think I want to be pregnant ever again. I have decided to sell all Natalie’s clothes and all the pink stuff. Because there is not gonna be a 3rd baby for sure, I wanted to let her stuff go.

But now 3 weeks postpartum and almost healed (not exactly back to normal but I feel great already), I am thinking twice whether it’s really going to be the last.

I know it’s pretty crazy. Maybe it’s just hormones. Maybe it’s just the medication. Or maybe I just lack sleep. I don’t know! But whatever God’s will is for our little family, I hope my heart will be ready!